3 Genderless Halloween Costumes for the Deeply Lazy

My friend Megan’s birthday is on Halloween, so every year she throws a massive costume party. And every year, two things keep me from attending: The fact that I’m unbearably awkward at parties, and the fact that I never, EVER get a costume together in time.

This article won’t help you (or me) become a ninja-level small-talker. But if you’re still mulling Halloween options for yourself at this late date, it WILL help you throw together an easy, laughable, pun-based, comfortable costume using stuff you already own. Regardless of whether you identify as female, male, both, neither or otherwise!

static_cling_halloween_costume

1. Static Cling

You will need:

– Long-sleeved black top or sweater. A relatively loose-weave sweater works best since you’ll be doing some pinning.

– Slim-fitting black pants

– Black shoes

– Small wearables that are prone to static like socks, underwear, slips, and lightweight scarves. (These can be borrowed from friends/family/roomies if need be.)

– Many, many safety pins

– Double-sided tape

I feel like I first saw this idea executed at least 10 years ago, but it’s totally timeless and fantastically easy to assemble. The black top, pants, and shoes just make a nice, clean backdrop for the clinging items, and you can wear any fairly fitted garments hanging in your own closet. Use safety pins to secure the various small items to your body, and try to pin them fairly snugly to emulate the look of actual static cling; and then use the double-sided tape to tack down any wayward bits that don’t merit pinning.

If you’ve got a friend around while you’re getting ready, make sure to slap a few pieces onto your back to complete the look. (You can pin items to your black clothes, then pull them on… but you risk tearing or damaging everything if you’re not incredibly careful. It’s easier to dress, then pin.)

french_kiss_halloween_costume

2. French Kiss

If you’re going to a party with three friends and are willing to invest in some pancake makeup, I highly recommend this alternative. If you’re on your own, here’s the singleton version.

You will need:

– Black beret, beanie, or slightly floppy cap of some kind.

– Long-sleeved black-and-white striped shirt

– Slim black pants

– Black shoes-ballet flats or oxfords are ideal

– Square silk scarf (optional)

– Glass of red wine or baguette (optional)

– Red lipstick

You’ll also need a buddy who’s willing to put on that red lippy and kiss you all over your face. If no one is around and you’ve got time to make a supply run, craft stores often have lip/kiss rubber stamps that work fairly well. Apply lipstick to the stamp and stamp carefully on your skin!

tangled_up_in_blue_halloween_costume

3. Tangled up in Blue

You will need:

– Long-sleeved black top or sweater.

– Slim-fitting black pants

– Black shoes

– Blue socks, blue neckties, blue scarves, lightweight blue clothing that wraps/ties well, blue pillowcases, and/or blue yarn

– Many, many safety pins

– Double-sided tape

What better way to celebrate our native son winning the Nobel Prize in literature! (Even if he never bothers to pick it up…) As with static cling, the idea here is to make a simple, comfortable base of black clothes then layer the pun-tastic items on top. I used some old silk pajama bottoms, a variety of my husband’s blue neckties, a pillowcase, and a tee shirt, though I’ve seen this costume executed beautifully with a single skein of blue yarn. If you go the clothes route—and if you’re a class-A procrastinator like I am, you definitely will—make sure to both wrap and tie items around your body. To get the “tangled” idea across, the bits need to interact with each other. Pin larger items to secure them, and finish any ends with double-sided tape.

As it turns out, Megan is traveling over her birthday this year so I won’t be able to put any of these costumes to the test at an actual party. Next year, though, I am SO SET. Here’s hoping a few of you last-minute costume assemblers are able to use one of these ideas for this year’s festivities, head out for the night, and have a fabulous time making people guess who the heck you are.